terminals.

008// hibernate.

2008-07-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

the things you own, they end up owning you.
i've been so lazy the past few days.
so happy uni has started again, but if you asked me last night it wouldn't have been a nice answer.
i have some decent subjects and im excited.. i wish i didn't have a job and could focus 100% on study, would be so ruling.

either way, lifes good.
i came home to a seizure today, it sucked.
but i saw batman.
i'm aware how desensitized i am to it all now.
but i don't really have a choice.
if i let everything get to me i would not be here hey.

i don't know, still waiting.
i wrote a lot more but no-one is going to get it.

007// its late out.

2008-07-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

i should get some sleep.
im well aware that most of my blogs revolve around sleep.
to be honest im not even a fan of it much.
but always feel i need more.
typical human.

fuck you, mankind.
you're so ugly, so vain.
the language of brutality is all you seem to understand.
bloodlust as long as it's someone elses blood.
to fuck, suck, eat and shit.
breeding has turned into a pastime.
and death is recreation.

006// humanity's futile goals.

2008-07-02T20:13:00.001-07:00

found out last night my dads morpheine dosage has been upped.
i hate it, but i'd rather him how he is now than in pain right.
and yet i cant help thinking about how i feel about it all like a selfish cunt.
i don't matter yet.

i'm still working, but thankfully unis over.
it feels good being able to focus on one aspect of life than fielding a fragmented existence.

my friends are all starting to leave their teenage years behind, it's an odd idea.
i'm still sixteen man.
but i'm cool with growing older as long as its with the people i have around me.

everyone keeps telling me that i need to find a girlfriend.
to be honest, i'd love to have someone new in my life that mattered.
but usually i tend to push anyone away that gets too close because i don't want whats coming for me to impact anyone else.
it's done enough damage hey.
either that or i set my standards so high that they will never be achieved, effectively circumventing what i said before.

i'm going to try and update this more often.
it's good to get things down on ~paper~ every once in a while.

005// words of wisdom

2008-06-15T04:07:00.000-07:00

what will become of you when the world is over?
those of us who wear not the clothes of sheep are no wolves.
we are dogs, asleep by the hearth of progress.
what will fill your idle stomach when your master's heart is still?
the paltry knowledge you thought worth keeping
slips through the cracks of the mind you never had to use until now.
you know of so many splendid inventions that would improve your predicament
but your fingers are ignorant.

after the end of all things
what will you contribute
aside from an empty head
and a pair of soft hands?

004// understanding is weakness.

2008-06-10T03:34:00.000-07:00

this time last year i would have done anything for you.
its like three years we've known each other.
probably the only newer friendship i've had that actually lasted.
road trips, hang outs, deep conversation, real heavy stuff i've never said to anyone.

i've always gone to you for help.
and now what i needed help from has gotten itself involved.
but you fucked up.
and for some reason i let you back in.
and you fucked up again.
but the worst bit is theres no remorse.
no feeling like somethings wrong.

im half glad i'll never have to see you again.
your a fucking hollow pathetic excuse for a human.
i really do hope this one finally leaves you for dead.
because im not going to be there anymore to pick up the peices.

003// under the ubiquitous winds of a serpent tongue.

2008-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

A promise of perfection
The object of your dreams
That lie as cold as stillborn earth
Under hollowed out hearts of lead
Shadows of lust
Betrayer of trust
Pushing through the darkness
Until we run with blood.

002// losing all hope was freedom.

2008-06-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

its getting harder to sleep.
spent most of last night watching my clock.
then i let it watch me for a few hours before i got up and said fuck you to the corporate world by filling up at caltex and working in a call centre for a faceless puppet show.

i'm beginning to think that i actually like not getting enough sleep now.
it keeps me angry and misanthropic, which induces melancholy and helps me be creative.
i dont know, but constantly drifting between awake and asleep but never choosing between the two has its perks.
like now i get to drink more coffee. i have an excuse to get out of doing things. that kinda stuff.

i've been vomiting stomach acid all day, its messy.
gastric acid secretions the actual stuffs called. its burning my throat, but it keeps me warm.
not helping the infection situation though, which hasn't been cleared up but has manifested itself into my working environment.
i have the worst immune system when im put under stress or when i panic. its terrible.
and with an impending 3000 word mini thesis due last friday, things aren't looking up for my body.

but i thrive under pressure.
and no one really knows this.
but its times like these when i actually feel like im alive.
when the borders of my mental and physical stability get tested.
when life stops being slow motion and speeds up til i can't keep up.
misery is my business. business is good.

001// sleep: the antithesis of life.

2008-05-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

im totally irrational.

coming down from a nodoze overdose, washed down with redbull and fighting the urge to sleep.
because sleep is a deathwish when your in a constant state of concussion.

im a walking infection.
lungs/chest.
i always get this way when im under stress or panicking.

right now im not thinking right.
kind of in fight club where edward norton stands at a photocopier and says everything seems so far away.
everything really is, nothing is within reach, at least none of what i think i want, which is never too solid to begin with hey.

joke of the night was about brad pitt.
kind of foreshadowed my blog post i guess.
i think im waiting for my brad pitt.
but i've already met her, she knows.
and i've met her again, she also knows.
etc.

thanks. goodnight.